Astro-Nut 👨🏽‍🚀

I’m writing this to you in hopes that one day you come across this and understand just how much I love and miss you. I yearn to just be in your presence and just give you a big hug and hold you and never let go. I want to know your hopes and your dreams and things you have questions about. I want more than anything to hear your questions and answer them to the best of my ability. I want to field all the tough questions and consider your perspective and more than anything, with understanding and compassion in my words, that their is always two sides to every story. Words can’t describe the feelings or the pain I feel over the years, not being able to talk to you. I hope and pray every day that you call me or reach out in any shape or form that speaks to your heart. Every Father’s Day, your Birthday you would think would be a time of celebration. For me it’s a sad day that makes me reflect that I have failed you. I have failed to connect with the one person more than anything I need to know the truth with respect to my heart. I have failed to show you that my heart beats with the same blood that moves through your veins and we have a bond that can’t ever be erased.

There is not a day that goes by, that you don’t cross my mind and I wonder what you think of me as your Father. Do you think I abandoned you and never wanted to have a relationship with you? If I could scream from a mountain top I would profess that there is nothing farther from the truth. I wonder what drives you, what interests you have and things in your life that you care about. I imagine in my heart that you have mannerisms just like me and when you get sad you bog yourself down with tasks to keep your mind off of the pain. This is not an attribute that I’m fond of, but I have to be the hardest working man on this planet, not from necessity, but more numbness of a broken heart. Till I die, I will continue to ask what I could do different, that would have led to a better outcome. Continuously beating myself up, taking blame for everything that has transpired. Never having a voice to scream my love and affection that I deeply have for you. Talking to someone has helped me as I try and deal with the pain I feel from not being a part of your life. This is something I kept inside till recently. Honestly I don’t know what I would do if not for Dr. Jacinda, guiding me and helping me to understand. She has helped me understand things that are not in my best interest and focus on things that are within my control to change. The understanding she has of knowing who I truly am as a person and helping me put it into perspective, has been priceless. More than anything she has never given up on me the same way I will never give up on being your FATHER and trying to connect with you. I would give anything to change what has transpired in the past, but I stay optimistic and positive that the future could be different.

I often day dream what your day is like, what you do with your free-time and even what your favorite meal is. I do know from our email conversations a few years ago, that you like to cook and travel. I in-vision you seeing the world and traveling to interesting places and enjoying culinary masterpieces that you probably could have made. I can see you being filled with passion and breaking down all the spices and ingredients that were carefully chosen to make the recipe come alive. From a young age I could tell that you had this way of exploring your curiosity and being persistent in getting to a conclusion. I can recall marveling at you as you were perplexed by something, like I could just see your little brain turning, trying to figure it out. It was just one of the fond memories the most adorable vision that I cherish and always lives in my heart. At that moment I knew that you could do anything you put your mind and heart to and would pursue things in life that challenged your passion . I can’t help but imagine you are this loving and caring man that has a compassion for others and walks with his head up and shoulders back. I wish I was in your life to see some of these profound moments, and what I wouldn’t give to feel and see this and this feeling of pride of truly what a great man you have grown to become.

One of the things I love to do is to help youth achieve their goals and add to their Tool box to succeed, and manifest the required skill set/ mind set to achieve goals. I wish you could feel my heart, when I give my all in helping others, but can’t even help my own son through tough times and road blocks that life surely have been placed in your path. I yearn to be that person you reach out to for understanding and look up to, and lean on knowing that I have lived this life and have so much to share and give to you. I want to give you the lessons I learned from failing and the lessons I learned succeeding with both being valuable tools that have made me the man I am. I can’t change the narrative that has lead us down this road, but only pray to God that the future holds you and I bonding and getting to know one another. I wish for this more than anything in this world……

“A Father said to his son:

Be careful where you walk

The son replied:

You be careful, I walk in your footsteps” 🐾🐾

-Astro-Nut👨🏽‍🚀